Never could keep my mouth shut

If you think I'm gonna keep my mouth shut when you whisper "fag or dyke" under your breath at me because I'm a female, think twice bub. I'll break every last bone in my body before I'm done with you if that's what it takes to make you think twice that you can come at me. I love how these people here think that because I'm gay I'm some how mentally and physically inferior to them. Like I'm afraid of them. Nu uh not this fag. Gimme a dirty look and I'll give it right back at you. Stare? 9 times out of 10 I'm taller than you and I will stare you down. I'm tired of being treated less than human. All I want is to be viewed as the same creature that bleeds when cut and feels pain when hurt.

Wow still fucking hurts

It's been 11 years since my Step-dad died. He raised me since I was 2 years old and died when I was 18. And yet when I think of him I still cry like a little kid. There's a particular song that just breaks me. Despite that everything that happened between us when you die you pay for what you did. And for me I've forgiven him and now just mourn him. I mourn the good times, all the holidays, birthdays, weekends, funny, embarrassing, angry moments I got to share with him.

Wonder how things would be different if he were still around.

Working with Food is not for me!

So I don't like the food and hospitality industry. Thank God I found that out before I forked over 50k to become a chef. I was seriously considering going to cooking school a few months back. But to be honest I can't deal with customers. I come from a security/law enforcement background. I intimidate people. Having to smile at assholes is like shooting myself in the leg. I don't do it too well. The only reason I'm doing this at all is because my mom begged me to help her open up a little cafe. To be honest I don't think I'd have too many customers if I were to truly run the place. Every time one of these pricks is rude or gives me attitude I'd like to shove my size 11 tactical boot up their ass. Not to mention I know a lot of them talk down to me because they're Hispanic males who I knoooooow must love the fact that I'm gay, butch and ALWAYS speak English first. Listen I know it's un-p.c. but my philosophy is that we are in America, you work here, LEARN ENGLISH. Which is another theory my gf is correct in. Why are Hispanics the only people that expect YOU to know their language. Haitians don't, Asians don't, Greeks don't, etc...

I'm making less money than I was yet I work more days and hours. I'm tired all the time and I'm starting to see that my body is slowly starting to break down. Which is why I'm taking a little mini vacation in December. Back to my NYC. I think it'll do me good to go back home.

I'm reading S. Bear Bergman's Butch is a Noun. It's interesting. But at the same time very complicated. Sometimes I feel like other butches are so complex compared to me. Then I think maybe we just don't have the same interests. I mean maybe at this stage in my life I don't need to sit and think about why it is that I'm butch nor do I feel the need to label my gender. Not that I think gays who want to be identified with gender neutral pronouns are bad or anything but it's just not for me. I'm just a female identifying butch who still loves to wear NY Yankees baseball caps. Still it's a fascinating read lol.

Fuck You...

I haven't been on here in a long time. I'm still transitioning from NYC to Fl.

The biggest thing that I miss so far is the gay community. Not that I was into it in NY but at least people there were more aware of homosexuals. So far here in Fl. there's only one lesbian bar. One. How pathetic is that. But back to the topic. The thing that has my boxers in a bunch is the blatant rudeness. I know New Yorkers are infamous for being rude but we're not mean. People here act as if seeing a butch is this heinous thing. I see the stares, the snickers, the horrified look-a-away motions. The worst though is what happened at Home Depot earlier. I'm walking with my mother and girlfriend down an isle and these two middle aged men are walking towards us. The older of the two starts looking at me and laughing in a gross and snarky way. I turned right around and glared. Luckily for them my mother was there. I don't like to start fights with her around. It just makes things worse. What kills me is what because I dress differently, I don't conform to conventional gender rules, because of who I sleep with that I'm devoid of feelings? And on that note why should I conform to what mainstream society dictates as "normal." If that's the case then we'd still have slaves, women would be mens property and white wigs would be high fashion. Fuck YOU. If you're gonna be prick at least do it behind my back.

It makes me feel like I'm less than human. It makes me wonder if I made the right decision to leave NY. I know now that I don't always want to live here in Florida. Though I'm not naive enough to think that NY or SF or Seattle don't have their share of ignorant people but I dunno there's more culture in those places. I guess I'll just have to stick it out here. I traded one set of problems for another.

Holy Pussy Batman!

This is perhaps the only pussy I don't want to eat. LMAO. If it's big enough for you to fall into it... My friend said it looked like an 80 yr old vah-jay jay

What is it with some people.

My aunt is about to divorce her husband. They just had their first child 3 months ago and he cheated on her throughout the entire pregnancy. I don't care about the cheating so much, what bothers me is that he doesn't care about his son. I guess this bugs me because I can't give my girlfriend a baby. We have to get a donor. So one of us will not be biologically related to our kid. It kills me that so many heterosexuals have kids that they don't want and here we are ready and willing to provide two loving parents to some kid and they take it for granted. Aside from that I can't help thinking about how can this guy not love his own kid that is your own flesh and blood man. But it's ok I'm here for the lil fella. I'll teach him about baseball and football (GO YANKS AND GIANTS) I'll watch Transformers with him and play with his toys. Show him how to pee in street and whistle and cat call pretty girls. LOL. Someone has to give him a lil masculine influence.

Where's the bar?

I keep forgetting to bring my NYY license plate to the car. I want people to know that when they see me they know I'm a Yankee fan.

Still getting used to Florida but today was awesome I took Bucky to the beach. Every weekend from 3pm to 9pm Dania beach turns into a doggie park. I didn't let Bucky go into the water but we're planning on going back tomorrow if the weather permits and we're definitely going in the water lol.

My mother asked today if I was a Republican. I laughed and said HELL NO. I don't belong to any group. Politicians are all liars. They trick voters by making all these claims and promises and when they get elected it's like nothing was ever said or promised. I'm so tired of government and politics. It's really disheartening and kinda depressing. I love what this country used to stand for. Anyone could come here and make something of themselves. Poor kids in 3rd world countries have little or no opportunity to move up in the world whereas here in the US any one from any ghetto, with hard work and determination can become something. We used to hear about stories like that all the time when I was growing up. Now? Not so much anymore. Or maybe the stories have changed. I don't know. Sometimes I think Canada looks mighty fine to live in. Yes, they tax the hell out of you but for some reason they all seem to get along. Except for those damn pesky French Canadians. lol.

I keep getting my head pulled back into my old circle of friends. Damn you Facebook. People that I've stopped speaking to. But inevitably you remain friends with one or two that are still linked to the old "crew" and you have to see pictures and hear stories about them. Part of me keeps 'em on my friends list because the 13yr old boy inside my head wants them to see that no dammit you lost out on someone really good. I guess I have a masochistic side to me. RJ says I should delete them, "out of sight, out of mind." but I can't not yet. Not til they see that this motherfucker has become something. I guess I feel I have to prove myself to ghosts that probably don't give me a second thought. Sad eh?

I need a shot of Jose Cuervo.

This is such bullshit.

Obama grants gays hospital visitation rights

So we get a dog bone and yet another way to lose the legal battle for same-sex marriage. So where does it say we have the right to make decision for our partner? I'm tired of waiting for me to be an equal citizen.

Hmmm...

Working out in the pool is not what I expected. I guess the dumb ass in me thought of this would be fun and easy. WRONG. My arms feel like spaghetti. But fuck it, what is it they say in the USMC? Pain is weakness leaving the body. This boy has got to get his ass in shape for once and all.

I need to buy new tactical boots or have RJ mail me the ones I left in NYC. I dunno why it happens but when I put 'em on this confidence boost just surges in me. Having to wear flip flops every where here makes me feel less masculine but it's so fucking hot here.

I fucking hate when people down here who when they first see me they think I'm a man but then do this double take and then stare. They get my "what the fuck are you looking at?" glare. Young folks get the hint but the older people seem to be oblivious to it cuz they keep staring. Perhaps I should start binding my chest. The problem is they're fucking huge. I hate them. Always have and until I get a reduction surgery always will.

Koi fish tattoos have been calling my name lately and I think the designs I've seen are awesome. We'll see.


Can't wait til the 29th. Going for my gun license. I'm thinking about once I get some more training that I'll go for my instructors license. Maybe make some extra cash. I really want to offer classes to the gay community down here. Lord knows there's enough ignorant people down here that think that because were gay were not human and inferior and therefore dispensable. Plus it's away to get more involved in my community. I'm not saying to go out and shoot people but sometimes just having the knowledge gives people confidence. Who know maybe I'll start an all queer self-defense course.

Intro

Where to begin? I'm 29 years old. Bleh. I'm getting fucking old. I now live in Florida but as my profile states profusely I'm from NYC. BK and Queens specifically. I lived there almost all of my life. As of three years ago I've been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend who is a Russian Jew (who shall be known from now on as RJ) who I love with all my heart. She's my femme fatale. She's the only one who can whip my ass without getting an ass kicking.

I know I say I'm gay and butch but oddly enough I'm very uncomfortable being around other gay people. Funny since I dress in men's clothing, pack and fuck with my cock
yet being in a gay bar freaks me out. I'm trying to work on this. I was once told I am a heterosexual identifying homosexual if that makes sense.

I'm my own worst enemy and critic and let myself be dragged down by former friends, I guess I'm trying to please everyone to be liked. It's weird because I'm almost 30 years old and I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. That's something that I am currently working on as well.


This blog for me is my way of trying to find my place in a community that at times I feel at odds with. Like I will never fully fit in because all of my opinions aren't always in tune with my queer community, political ideals, family, home and friends.